I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
ugly people sure do ruin things
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
