I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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