My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
