Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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