These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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