I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
