New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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