If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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