She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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