Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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