hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
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wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
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He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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