I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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