non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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