She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
We are all done wearing pants today
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
