oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
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Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
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Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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