Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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