I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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