I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
