my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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