There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
it glows. i had to have it.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
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