closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
