Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
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Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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