I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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