fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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