I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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