I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
