just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he fucked my hip out of place.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
