I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
