If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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