your parents love me but you hate me
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
