your thong is hanging out like whoa
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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