I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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