her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
