I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
