his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
