Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
