I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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