why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
