I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
