What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
