I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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