I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
