guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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