I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize