I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Four minutes until I can fart!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
