How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
