Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
