So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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