They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
