I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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