You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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