Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
